The Father’s Love: Inner Peace

To surrender all must be the hardest thing I have had to do. My life took twists and turns that stretched me, my faith and my relationship with God, people and self.

I reached that point where I was like “Lord if one more thing happens I’ll lose every neuron in my brain!”. And as life would have it, several things did happen BUT not even a fraction of my neurons fell apart.

I believe its because although I was falling apart on the outside, there was this stillness deep within me. Something about suffering can create a resilience that is beyond comprehension. Where you can wake up in the midst of a storm and still have this Joy and Hope deep within. I believe its called Peace.

Depending on your Source of Peace, life can either break you to lunacy or make you wise. I’ve lived long enough to understand the principle of seasons. That nothing lasts forever, including my emotions, thoughts and feelings about whatever is happening.

I have come to learn that I serve a God who does not change. He is not moved by stuff. While I heal from my sometimes “schizophrenic” relationship with my Creator, I celebrate that I’m finally at a point where I can praise Him despite my circumstances.

Father your love is the reason I stand today. Thank you.

Relationships: Open To Love

I dont actually remember the exact time I decided I was ready to share my heart. I think it was a gradual process. What I do remember is that I refused to be in a relationship until I knew my worth and what my contribution would be. There is so much power in that. If you believe you are valuable then you easily terminate ANYTHING that speaks or acts against that.

My perception of love had changed. I now knew that until I could accept love from my Creator and until I could love myself then no other human stood a chance. I unlearned all the rubbish I believed love to be so I could learn new things. I was in overflow of finally accepting that God loved me and NOTHING could change that.

I just remember having this longing to partner with someone who was interested in figuring out this life thing. Someone who was open to change and had the courage to ride or die in love. Naturally, I prayed about it but also had to intentionally open my heart. It was daunting at first but I stopped being so technical about it and trusted that “no psycho formed against me would prosper”. And meet them psychos I did, but none prospered!

My journey taught me resilience. After sniffing psycho tendencies, I would just allow my heart to be sad long enough to acknowledge that there are somethings I just have no control over. I learned that just because you have this awesome intention to love someone, they can still choose to be psycho. I found such great power in walking away with no shame, anger or grief!

I believe love has various frequencies and so I trusted that I would meet that man who would respond in tune to my frequency. A man whose frequency would not only complement mine, but I his also. A man who would bring out the best in my character but also face the worst of me with courage and love. A man who looked at my scars and admired my strength to survive. A man who saw the prints of my Creator all over me and just wanted to serve and praise Him!

And at the appointed time, such a man came along.. Will it last? I don’t know. What I do know is I’m in love, I am loved and Love dwells within me. Whether this man stays or leaves I will still dwell in Love. Why? Because NOTHING can separate me from the Love of God!

I pray that after your divorce, you find your healing and learn to love again. Be blessed always!

Relationships: Navigating New Territory

There is unfortunately no guide on how to build your life from scratch that works 100%. Most of what we know about new territory is through trial and lots of errors!

Single mom and woman is a title I had never desired for myself, yet it was my reality. One of the challenges of being a single parent is that even though you have a support system, some things are solely yours to tackle. Balancing work, studies, the child and just life in general was tricky. You learn to navigate through these aspects realising that if you dont show up, no one will.

Men would approach me and my first thought would be “where the hell will I fit him?”. I found dating just exhausting. The game had changed since I last dated. I was meeting men who just wanted to settle down and start a family. Men who just wanted a good time. Men who were interested in other things instead of companionship. It is for this reason I stayed single for almost 5 years after my divorce.

I stayed on the sidelines and just observed and learned. I also used the time to discover what I was clear I did not want in a relationship. I prayed and invested in my relationship with my Creator. That is what kept me sane. Are you not lonely? The question well-meaning people would ask. The truth is, nope. I was too busy figuring out who I was and what I wanted my legacy to be for my son.

Yes I went out on dates but would not meet someone who would break my rather selfish relationship I had with Self.. In short, I believe I was just not open to love. I was very sceptical about the “good” ones and amused by the dodgy ones. Men were more an object for my analytical mind than a possibility for a companion.

While going through the phase of navigating I learned that the heart has an amazing ability to heal, forgive and move on. It takes longer for others but once you allow the beauty of healing to take its course you start to experience this Joy and freedom.

You fall in love with yourself and the world in a different and intimate kinda way. You still have places that hurt, but they no longer control you. You are more selective about which BS to terminate and which to tolerate. You find power in knowing that you dont have to react to everything thrown at you, that it’s ok to sometimes just duck and move on. You learn to embrace your scars and start celebrating the gift of life!

Relationships: Grief

Who but God can truly know the heart of men? Imagine your heart breaking in ways you cant even articulate…

After the anger and shame I cried and cried and cried until literally no tears were left. I cried for the ex, for me and the us that never was and never would be. I cried for my son and the challenges he would face with an absent father. Had it not been for His Grace, I would have died of grief.

I allowed myself to feel every moment of my grief knowing that it would soon come to pass. Nothing is permanent in this world including our emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Cry if you need to. For me I blurted out everything to God during my grief. The unfairness of my divorce, life and everything that plagued my soul. People are different so there is no specific timeframe to grieve. What’s important is that you eventually move past your grief.

Relationships: Mothers, fathers and sisters

I’m the eldest of two daughters. The age gap between my sister and I is almost 8 years. This means we never quite played together and by the time she was born I had come to “my own”.

My mother’s name is Grace. She is in every sense graceful. While she couldn’t relate to what I was going through, she was supportive, loving, and protective of me. You want fire upon your life then talk badly about my mom’s children. It takes a while for my mom to get angry, but don’t touch her husband and babies!

My only sister, Chipo, is the most bubbly human being I know. The cup is usually half-full from her side. She has always been my greatest cheerleader. Like my mom, she never understood what I was going through but would just cheer me up with her bad jokes and joyful nature. Her name means “Gift” and she has been that and more through my life and my son’s.

My father… I cant imagine what it’s like to be a man and see your daughter go through so much pain. Where it mattered my father showed up, especially with my son. He played his part of grandfather and loves my son as only a grandfather could.

My family is small but a powerhouse of support, love and compassion. They are my backbone, foundation and pillar. My parents have known me since birth and no doubt had different dreams for me vs my dreams. Even after I disappointed them with the choices I made (after defying their wisdom) they still love me.

Reach out to anyone in your family you trust and allow them to be that light, lest you be forever lost in darkness.

Relationships: The loving friends

I’m generally not a “bubbly” kinda girl. I’m polite, but just not “bubbly”. So it’s very difficult for any human to approach me. That was my “saving grace” in hiding from people. I was fine with my solitude and humans just irritated me. It was about a few months after the divorce and I was still angry about life in general so that’s the energy I gave off.

The first person I met who dared to cross my barrier was Nozibele Nqabeni.. She was not at all intimidated by my high electric walls. Her motherly approach just melted my ice-cold heart. Slowly I started to warm up to human beings. She refused to entertain my coldness and instead poured out nothing but love. At the time I honestly believed no one could love me. Man or woman.

Two other important women contributed to my 15% of warmth that survived during my ang-er-thon.. Sandra and Risana. Sandra made sure I broke up with Shame A.S.A.P! She is the “dont negotiate with the devil”, fierce and caring kinda girl. We met in 2001 and have been friends since. Although I constantly found ways to avoid her, she never gave up on me. We are still friends to date.

Risana was my constant voice of reason. She prevented me from being a full blown psychopath and reminded about the importance of humour. We would have 2 hour conversations on the phone which I still cherish to this day.

Not once have these women judged me. Sandra and Risana have seen me fall, rise and go stagnant since 2001 and they still loved me. Nozi didn’t know me but when we met in 2014 she broke down barriers I believed were solid, through Love.

NEVER underestimate the power of girlfriends in your life. I believe that God puts every person in your life-path for a reason. I salute Nozi, Sandra and Risana for being those women to me. No judgement ever came from them even at my lowest – God Bless them until they have no room to receive more!

Relationships: Anger is a self-consuming fire

After dealing with Shame, I dealt with its treacherous friend Anger.. I was more angry at myself than the ex..

How could I, the psychologist in training allow myself to be in such a rubbish situation? The fierce, independent me had allowed herself to be in this state? I was beyond livid!

So I started building walls around me. I vowed to never allow any man, woman or living organisms to hurt me ever again. What I did not realise was that, while building these walls I was also protecting myself from me.

I was bitter, angry, hurt and just limping through life. I was a functional hate-a-lista.. Men were the primary object of my hatred followed by so-called Christians. My relationship with God was tainted by this hatred for His creation. I was isolated and depressed. My only purpose for breath was this small human being depending on me.

My son is a miracle. Born at 27 weeks, he truly fought to live. He was my constant reminder that there is purpose in pain. That I serve a relationship kinda God who meets you exactly where you are. Anger consumed my Joy, energy and hairline.

I sadly spent about 2 years in a relationship with Anger. At the time I believed I needed to stay angry to be focused. But LOVE beckoned.. To be more precise, God beckoned me..

Relationships: The Shame

I would be dishonest if I didn’t share the not so pleasant stuff experienced right after the divorce. But first let’s take a step back..

I had one of those “mooi van ver” marriages. From far we were so in love but for those who decided to take a closer look the cracks were bigger than the Vic Falls gorge! I cannot speak ill of the departed, but on my side I knew it was a mistake within a year. Before you judge, understand this – when we fall in love, it’s based on who we are and about at the time. The same applies for the other person. People evolve, or in my case, people reveal who they have always been. Love truly covers a multitude of sins, you know he has Darth Vader in him but you somehow brush it off.

So when I divorced him, shame was my BFF. She just hung around for a while telling me I was a failure – as if making a marriage work was all my responsibility. I was never too concerned about the gossip but the judgement, mostly from women, killed my soul.

Oh how easy it is to sit high and mightily on our “Holy Ghost Assistant” chairs and judge on matters we know nothing about! So a year after my divorce I broke the friendship with Shame. As a Christian, a verse from Isaiah 54 reminded me that God is not about shaming me. I also remembered a scripture by apostle Paul that “there is therefore now no condemnation in Christ”. Yes my religious people, I know God said He hates divorce – but HE LOVES ME.

Shame is dangerous. It condemns. You cannot progress until you kick it out of your life. There are no perfect people therefore there can’t be ANY perfect situations.

Deal with that shame!

Relationships: The beginning

Sometimes there are things we need to heal from through writing. I’m one of those people. My blog posts are themed and I hope as you read, you can identify how God’s faithfulness is evident in my imperfect life.

I decided to start with the Relationships theme.

I just love LOVE. I love the concept of two people who are committed to doing life together with love as a foundation.

I was married for almost 5 years before the divorce. Like anyone in love I was shattered. Ideally, most people want that forever situation. My son was just over a year at the time of the divorce and after surviving the divorce process, I was broken in my spirit and didn’t have a clue what to do with a child. Thank God for my parents who allowed me to stay at home while figuring out stuff.

It’s the figuring out stuff that I will discussing on this theme of Relationships. None of the women in my life could relate to my experience. It was quite tricky but I lived to tell the tale!