Never realised that God could still use a person while they are in pain. I guess I figured His will is only for those who are trending, slaying or in a good space mentally, emotionally and spirituality.
My perception changed when Ps. Vera (the lady God sends emergency whatsapps when I “wander off”), asked me if I would have served God had I been everything “good” as I mentoned above?
My honest answer was “Nope”.
See, I like to do what seems pleasing in MY sight. I HATE pain and just looooove my naps. My mom would call it lazy but I call it being efficient. I’m obsessed with saving energy😊 Somewhere in the definition of efficiency there is “minimum effort” – that’s me!
But, just like the Eagle mom; God put things in my “napping and efficiency” nest to make me feel uncomfortable enough so I could learn how to fly.
Look, I love God with ALL that I am, but I find His human creation rather questionable..
Like why did He give me a sensitive heart with a hot-temper? A mind that can be focused, analytical and logical yet be so easily distracted by Satan? A fighting spirit that can be easily discouraged when it sees zero results? Doesn’t make sense to me. But then, I don’t make sense to myself most of the time.
Yet; He somehow did give me a sensitive spirit. I feel other’s pain, distress and turmoil probably more than they do. That’s probably why I can write better when my feelings are in tune with my spirit.
So to defend myself from humanity, I hide in thoughts and habits that just block out all that human stuff. Please don’t judge me, pray for me…
Anyway, just wanted to say “God ALWAYS gets what He wants”. Remember it’s His creation, so it’s His rules.
I always ask myself why I have not abandoned my faith in Him? Well, today I got the answer:
1. He gave me a heart of LOVE
2. He LOVED me at my worst
3. In this season of my life; He organized people like my parents, my sister, Ps Vera and my son to remind me that there is purpose in my pain
4. He showed me that I am still worthy of His Love even though I didn’t feel worthy. That I can’t “buy” His Love through trying to be what I’m not!
I’m blessed to have people who literally were there almost EVERYDAY to keep me from doing stupid things. These people never allowed me to throw a “pity party” and if I threw one, they just didn’t join😂. Instead they prayed, talked to me, made me laugh and reminded me that God IS bigger – IRRESPECTIVE of what my pity party looked liked.
5. He created ME in His image. Nothing about ME suprises God. The gifts and callings He gave ME are irrevocable. He loves ALL His VERY different (and sometimes crazy) children
Please STOP trying to “fix” yourself.
GO👏 To 👏 The 👏 One👏 who created you!! The One who decides whether you will wake up tomorrow or not.
GO just as you are and He will decide if any fixing needs to happen. He LOVES YOU❤❤❤❤
Jesus, thank you for the gift of Salvation!