After reading Luke 18:34 I realised how like Jesus, most of my life is not understood by those I love. I now realize that it’s because it is hidden from them. I have spent most of my life trying to explain myself and since I realised most people don’t get me, I would sadly just conform out of fear of being alone.
So from the outside the world would call me blessed. I have a loving and supportive family, I’m educated and live a generally fair quality of life. Inside though it’s a different reality…
Each day I have to choose to rise above my insecuties that my life is just random and I’m just occupying space on earth. That I might die alone with 73 cats. That I’ll keep on pursuing this abundant life which is vividly etched in my brain yet not coming to fruition. That I’ll die full of seeds I never planted.
A person might read this and say “nice life problems Elaine”. Before you judge, understand that I have set my markers of success diffently to you. My key markers are:
- To use EVERY gift God gave me to add value to others. He has shown me my talents and like you, they are many.
- To produce academic literature that will influence humanity in a positive way.
- To live a life of constant overflow of resources. I despise that feeling of not being able to do something due to lack of resources.
- To do the kind of work that is aligned to my purpose.
- To have my own family.
Right now I feel as if I’m so far off this mark. When I tell people about my dilemma, I’m mostly met with blank stares, apathy or a “get over it” response. Its a lonely experience. It is also draining to keep explaining yourself. Satan knows this lonely experience so he keeps telling me to just give up since no one gets my “crazy” self.
If, like me, you are going through this; I want to remind you that Jesus knows exactly what it’s like. Talk to Him. Also find that friend who will remind you of God’s promises even if they don’t understand your “thing”. Sometimes all we need is for someone to genuinely listen and pray with us to continue this journey of life.
You are not “too anything”, infact you are walking with all these annointed seeds waiting to be connected to fertile ground. Guard those “complicated” seeds. It’s okay if they don’t get you. You were not created in their image. Go to the one in Whose image you were created.
Pour your heart out to your Maker, your God. The Alpha and Omega. The Author and Finisher of your faith. He is waiting.
Be and stay blessed.